Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

One night I was lying in bed in my new apartment, reading the David Foster Wallace book that I checked out at the library, the day I heard on NPR that he had died. Infinite Jest, his most famous piece, had been checked out (there was a little gap where it should have been on the shelf), so I had ended up with Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, and was really quite enjoying it.

All of a sudden, I could hear people in Billy’s apartment, on the other side of the wall just next to me, very clearly. Their voices were so clear, that they broke me from my concentration. I heard the squeak of springs as two people climbed into bed, and shortly thereafter I heard a women begin to moan, very. clearly. Like, we’re talking, the wall may as well have been a curtain.

The most unusual part was that I had never really heard Billy inside his apartment before (I heard him a lot from the balcony, but I had never heard him from inside), and now I was suddenly hearing him very clearly, inside a woman.

The most disturbing part: upon analyzing the lady’s moans, a highly sophisticated science, I concluded that the lady wasn’t very old, and that she was not crazy. Probably about every five thrusts she would let out a medium-lengthed, low moan. I imagined crazy Billy having sex with whoever this woman was. How the hell did Billy get a lady? I wondered. Was she possibly a hooker?

Suddenly, a cell phone started ringing, but they continued to screw. The moaning continued, and eventually a cell phone rang again. This time it was answered. I could not make out the nature of the call, but all of a sudden, and we’re talking less than a minute after the sex stopped and with no sound of a door opening or closing in between, I could distinctly tell that there were now two men in the room. Who was this other guy? And had he been in the room the whole time?

I could no longer make out the words, but the three of them bantered for a good while. Sometimes it sounded like they were joking and laughing, and then it would sound like they were arguing.

* * *

I later realized that I think a younger couple actually lives with Billy and so it was probably them having sex, which is a lot less creepy, but it sounds like Billy was very nearby, perhaps even in the same room, which is still a little disturbing.


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